Hotaru never really paid much attention to idols. She listened to chill indie RnB (in Japanese, of course, English traumatized her from the terrible grade it brought to her) so it was safe to say their music style didn't fit with hers, and the sparkly smiles they displayed didn't resonate with her, who felt that such activities were just too much trouble. Of course, she appreciated them - her closest cousin was a professional idol, after all - but it wasn't for her, she felt like.

Everything changed the second Hotaru saw them.

Hotaru was tending to her youngest sister Kohaku, letting her watch random videos on Hotaru's phone while she prepared dinner for everyone, when an upbeat music played from her phone. Hotaru paid it no mind, the young girl loved watching videos of people dancing and singing anyway, so while waiting for the curry to be done the coral-haired girl joined her sister on the dinner table, watching the phone idly.

What she saw were stars.

Singing with all their might, dancing with all the energy Hotaru would never have, smiles that reached to their eyes, sparkling with joy and spreading them through the glass of the phone screen. Hotaru was entranced. One girl in particular took a place just behind the center singer, but Hotaru's eyes couldn't escape her. Watching as the girl and the rest of the group finished their song and dance, she had to be snapped out of the trance by Kohaku poking her cheek. "Onee-san? I'm hungry."

"Ah," Hotaru finally took her eyes off the phone screen and back towards the curry, now boiling dangerously. Immediately she jumped towards the stove, turning the fire off. "Nee-san didn't realize, sorry Kocchan. Nee-san will just..." She quickly fixed a plate for each member of the family and set the table. "Nee-san will call everyone to dinner..." she trailed off, the song from before still playing in her head.

"Actually, Kocchan... who were those idols Kocchan watched earlier?"

 

It had been merely two weeks since Kohaku told her the idol names - IRIS - yet Hotaru already devoted her life to following their story. They were idols from a local high school, Ishikawa, yet they already gained notoriety as school idols. Hotaru tried finding out what she could from them, and from what she could infer, the member who caught her eyes was a next-generation member of IRIS, merely two years older than her. Not that older, yet she was sparkling...

It was only logical that Hotaru's next step was to watch their live.

Watching through a small phone screen was worlds different than watching IRIS perform before her own eyes. Everyone was sparkling so brightly, each of them different, yet the same. Iridescent, is how Hotaru would describe how they shone on stage. But the girl would be lying if she said her eyes weren't trained on her the whole show, that one showstopper for her, despite not taking the center of the stage. She felt her heart skip a beat when the girl in question shot her a love arrow. She knew she was just one of the many audiences she threw the fictional arrow at the general direction of, but it still made her smile like a little girl in love.

Maybe she was.

 

Afterwards, it was a given that every single time IRIS had a live, Hotaru would be there, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, watch her move fluidly under the stage lights, hear her strong voice sing wholeheartedly, see the bright smile she offered the fans.

It was an understatement to say Hotaru was surprised when one day, her idol came up to her after the live ended. "Hello!"
Hotaru had to compose herself for a whole solid minute before responding with a very lame "y-yeah?"

The middle-schooler gulped when the older girl tucked strands of long hair behind her ear as she took off her beret. "I always notice you come to our lives, so I want to say thank you for coming!" She offered that bright smile Hotaru loved, and her heart melted.

"It should be Hotaru who thanks you," she started, her green eyes scanning the surroundings, trying to land her eyes somewhere else that wasn't the idol's beautiful face, so close to her own. "Hotaru is a big fan of IRIS, especially you," she blabbered, the honest girl she was, "Hotaru always gets so happy from seeing you perform! If IRIS's goal is to spread joy then your goal is already accomplished," she wasn't sure what she was talking about, but everything spilled from her mouth, nonsense or not.

"Aww," the idol waved her hand, "now you're just flattering! It's always nice to meet a fan, especially ones like you!" She was bright, just like a sunshine.

Hotaru had imagined a scenario like this plenty of times before, an opportunity to talk to her idol, but she never actually prepared for when it did happen. In her fantasies, she would bring flowers and gifts for this girl, but the reality (in her wallet, mostly) prevented this fantasy to happen. Frantically, Hotaru reached into her pocket, remembering she had something she could give her.

"Hotaru wants you to have this!" She shoved the item to her idol's face, a blush creeping to her face. It was just a small toy, a tiny bear plush keychain she made with scraps from home economics class, but it was the only thing she had on hand.

The idol looked surprised at first, then giggled. "Aww, you don't have to!" She took the keychain anyway, admiring it in her hand. "This is so cute. Did you make it yourself?"

Hotaru nodded, and the idol looked pleased. "You're really sweet, thank you!" The older girl seemed like an idea just hit her, and a smile came to her face. "Do you want to try this too?"

"Huh?" It caught Hotaru off-guard, just like how the entire interaction with her had been.

"Being a school idol, of course!" The girl pocketed the keychain and with a smile, came even closer to Hotaru that she couldn't back down. "Enroll in Ishikawa, and be my kouhai! I'll teach you how to be an idol like me, and we can get closer too in the process!" The idol spoke with glee, her eyes glinting with excitement.

In the rush of the moment, so close to her crush that she couldn't even hear anything else but her and her own heartbeat, Hotaru found herself nodding, unable to say no to her love at first sight.

He was home.

Hotaru watched as her older brother took off his shoes and wrung his wet hair at the entrance, definitely a victim of the rain that was currently pouring hard outside. Kaoru shrugged off his jacket and threw it in reckless abandon, the wet clothing barely missing the sofa. She sighed when he went straight to the small fridge and took a can of cold beer, raising his brows when their younger brother ran up to him to greet him. Instead of following Subaru's actions in greeting their older brother in this rare occasion that he was home, Hotaru instead opted to return to the bedroom, deciding taking care of menial things would be a better way to spend her time with than to try and talk to him.

Of course Hotaru was thankful to Kaoru for always taking on the hard work to provide for the family - she knew he was working three jobs with minimal hours of sleep in between if any, and he never said a thing whenever he left the money on the counter for Hotaru to take care of the household finances with. But being thankful didn't mean she had to be cordial with him.

Kaoru was barely home, if ever. Tonight was Hotaru's first time seeing him in months, as he usually returned home whenever she was at school, and the only indication that he was there would be the cash left on the kitchen counter and the addition or substraction of beer cans inside the fridge. She knew generally where he worked - at mornings he would help out at a local market, afternoons were spent working part-time at a convenience store, evening bar tending at the seedier part of the town - but outside of it, she never knew where he was.

She never knew what he was doing. Never knew what he was thinking, what he was feeling, what was going on with his life - because he was never there. Kaoru was never there to be with her, and be the older brother Hotaru needed.

It was as if she was abandoned. It was like Kaoru was a stranger, coming inside their house only to drop money and off leaving again to stay at god knows where, never telling her where he would be or where he was going. He barely talked to her, so she found no reason to talk to him as well (he had always preferred to talk to Subaru anyway). Did he just not care about his siblings anymore? If that was the case, Hotaru would be more than willing to not care about Kaoru in return. It was the easiest way. If you detach yourself from all feelings then you won't get hurt ever. It was almost a life motto for her.

The rain wasn't letting up soon, it seemed. Hotaru glanced outside, and she could see shades of red hair leaning back on the window. Sighing in defeat, she walked out of her room just as Subaru walked in. "Nee! Watch it!" The younger frowned and grumbled when he came in contact with her, but Hotaru just looked at him wordlessly. His words never had any effects on her, and it just riled the younger more. "Get away!" The younger pushed her away, and she merely stepped to the side to get past the moody boy.

Paying her little brother no more mind, she looked through the sliding glass doors to their balcony to see Kaoru sitting outside, cold be damned, seemingly contemplating his life with a cigarette on one hand and a can of beer on the other. Despite telling herself she didn't need to care, she still cracked the door open slightly and peeked her head out. "Nii-san is gonna catch a cold outside like that."

Kaoru jolted a bit, seemingly a little surprised that his little sister would even take the time to talk to him. His face broke into a weird grin, one that looked as if he rarely ever smiled and only just learning how to now. "I'm not gonna, this jacket is warm enough. Care to join me?" He patted the floor beside him, "or is it too cold out here?"

Hotaru didn't mind the cold, she was wearing a long sweater after all, but she did mind having to strike up a conversation with Kaoru now that he had invited her to sit. Still patting the floor next to him, Kaoru's green-blue eyes bore at her expectantly. Not really caring to bother with an argument, Hotaru sat, several centimeters separating them. After all, she was the one who started the conversation, so she couldn't really complain about it.

Their balcony was very small, and Kaoru's long legs were perched on top of the railings, so Hotaru decided to just follow him on that manner. "It's rare that nii-san wants to talk to Hotaru," she started, not even bothering to look at her brother in the eyes.

Kaoru chuckled dryly, the sound made Hotaru think that he didn't find anything funny with Hotaru's remark but decided to laugh anyways due to lack of things to say. "Aren't I your brother? I'm allowed to talk to you, aren't I?"

"Yeah."

"Good, I honestly thought you hated me," Kaoru took a long drag of his cigarette, and Hotaru scooted away to avoid the smoke.

"Hotaru doesn't hate nii-san. But Hotaru doesn't love nii-san as well."

"That's the number one thing a big brother would least want to hear, you know."

Silence.

"Well, I heard you're an idol now. School idol- whatever, I don't know."

"Is it-"

"Subaru told me." Kaoru exhaled, looking over at his sister with a look that said he felt left out. Well, it was his fault for not caring to begin with. "How's it like?"

Hotaru didn't even grace the question with an answer, merely replying with a noncommittal hum and eyebrow raise. Kaoru's brows furrowed in return, displeased with the answer. "Are you having fun?"

"Hotaru is always doing stuff that's fun, what's the point of living if Hotaru doesn't spend it having fun?" She felt a little something at the bottom of her stomach, something that felt ugly - something that Hotaru always tried to avoid, because she didn't want to deal with extreme feelings like that - but she tried to kill that something before it grew bigger. "Nii-san should know the most about having fun, right?"

"Are you mocking me?" The elder raised his voice a little without meaning to, but something about Hotaru's tone must've triggered him. That, or her question itself. "You know I work real hard for all of you."

A pout grew on Hotaru's face, her heart feeling as cold as the air around them. It seemed like she failed to keep that ugly feeling down, and she didn't like it. She felt more emotions coming up inside of her, and at that point she never wanted more to suppress it all and get back to being apathetic as usual. "Nii-san played a lot in high school. Always spending time out with friends and lovers. Was that not having fun? Over spending time with family, or even seeing family at all?"

If the annoyance - or was it disappointment? - that appeared on Kaoru's face wasn't apparent earlier, it was now. "You have to put more faith in me, Hotaru. Aren't we siblings?" His voice was soft, almost a whisper, and Hotaru didn't even have to look at him to know he probably was looking away as well. "I love you a lot, and I know how my actions might translate to others, and I do know what I did- what I'm doing isn't the best way possible to do it, but please, I want you to know that I always think of what's best for my family."

Memories of years ago came like a flood. Tsumugu struggling to take care of everyone, absent father, mother six feet underground. Silent Kohaku, rowdy Subaru. And then there was Kaoru, coming back home very late at night driven by an older lover, or texting Tsumugu after three days of going missing to say he was staying at a friend's. Rebelling against everything Tsumugu said, hushed arguments in the entryway. Kaoru going from the brother whom little Hotaru held hands with at the festival, to the brother who didn't even come home on her 13th birthday and take her to the park like he always did on her previous birthdays.

If that was his definition of doing the best for his family, then Hotaru would rather have him do the absolute worst. Maybe that way he would actually be her brother again, for once.

Before she felt like she couldn't breathe, Hotaru stood up and took her leave, leaving Kaoru sitting on the cold balcony, wondering if their relationship could ever return to the way it was before.

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